"Voices in the Family" and a Random Epiphany

Dr. Daniel Gottlieb, Author "Voices in the Family"

Most “self help” books sit on my nightstand and are dismissed with a summary read. "Voices in the Family" by Daniel Gottlieb was different. Family Therapist Daniel Gottlieb has created a very thought provoking Facebook page, too.

What gripped me most about "Voices in the Family" was his section about parents:

“When children are very young, they don’t have to take care of their parents; they can expect their parents to take care of them. But once we’re past a certain age – when we’re thirty, forty or fifty – it’s we who must hear our parents. It’s we who must nurture them. It’s we who must respect their dignity and integrity…”

I was reminded of this after watching a video memoir that Bridget Poizner (an amazingly gifted videographer) created of my father, who turned 85 in February. What surprised me most about his interview was a brief comment my Dad made about feeling bitter upon returning from World War II.

Thanks to Dr. Gottlieb’s book, I decided to ask my Dad about this comment last week. The answer to that question triggered one of the most meaningful conversations we've had in years. It was an epiphany for me.

So, when was the last time you asked a parent how they felt about a specific experience in their lives?

Preserving Memories, Slashdot and VoiceQuilt

I’m not normally a reader of Slashdot. However, a good friend alerted me to a string of posts entitled, “Preserving the memories of a loved one”.

A man wanting to preserve memories of his dying wife started a thread asking for advice. The comments provide a wonderful/awful example of how complicated dealing with end of life can be (Please scroll down the page and you'll see 472 entries.)

Most responses suggest specific tasks:

That the wife create a video blog, write letters to the children or preserve a handprint in clay;

That the husband hire someone to do a video interview, compile a genealogical map, create a death mask or preserve some of the wife’s DNA.

Others recommend a completely different approach, suggesting that the husband focus on creating new memories with the wife while she is living. Some posts even suggest that the husband stop thinking about memory preservation and let the dying wife take the lead.

The posts resonated with the VoiceQuilt team because we have been involved with many end of life VoiceQuilts during the past few months. In some families, the VoiceQuilt is a "This is your life tribute"; in others, it is the dying person's final wishes and memories for those left behind.

In short, there are no easy answers. Each family copes with illness and loss in a unique way. There is no cookie-cutter recipe for dying well or helping someone else die well. We must all do the best we can, each step of the way, to honor our loved ones.

Fun Feedback From VoiceQuilt Gift Givers...

Sybil's parents..listening to their wedding anniversary VoiceQuilt.

Here are comments from our exit survey question, “Which was your favorite message?”

"I really didn't have one favorite. I did this for my husband's birthday, who is currently deployed, so all the messages meant so much to both of us."

August 8, 2010

"One of the gals sang the entire birthday song & she was so off-key! It was hilarious!! I put it towards the end to lighten things up & it really did!!"
August 11, 2010

"There was a message from dear friends of my parent's recalling a time they had slept over during a snowstorm..and some of their other adventures. It was hysterically funny."
August 11, 2010

Here are email excerpts…

"Celebrating eight decades of excellence was the intent of the party we held for my mother…. One of the greatest highlights of this celebration of her life was the opportunity to allow those who could not attend the celebration to actually be a part of the entire experience through VoiceQuilt. Not only were so many people able to express their love and memories, but Bernadine now has a “living” reminder of what she means to so many and to recognize how many lives she has touched. Prior to the celebration, she was becoming more and more lonely, having lost her soul mate of over 57 years five years ago. Now she plays the VoiceQuilt every day and it brings continual joy into her life... "

July 15, 2010

"As you may recall, we did a Voice Quilt for my parents’ 65th anniversary….My mother had a severe stroke last week and has been in intensive care for several days. She still has her voice and memory and asked me if I would bring the Voice Quilt to the hospital for her to hear again. Said it would cheer her up. She listened to the entire recording, and I believe she appreciates it even more now that last month when we gave it to her and my dad. I know she will listen to it again and again as she goes through rehab and perhaps moving to a nursing home... "

August 3, 2010

Strengthening Relationships – and VoiceQuilt

Ellin, Catherine and friends in Hawaii celebrating a 50th birthday -- with VoiceQuilt.

An article came across my desk the other day, outlining “destination” birthday vacations. According to the article, experiential travel is one of the few categories of consumer spending on the rise. The article details experiential trips that have been planned for 30th, 60th and even 70th birthdays. It’s fascinating reading.

That article reminded me of a recent New York Times article entitled, "But Does It Make Your Happy?” describing consumers shifting spending towards experience-based goods.

One major finding is that spending money for an experience — concert tickets, French lessons, sushi-rolling classes, a hotel room in Monaco — produces longer-lasting satisfaction than spending money on plain old, ordinary stuff.

A VoiceQuilt is often a souvenir of a destination birthday, anniversary or wedding. And -- for many gift recipients - the voice-based toasts, tributes and favorite memories are a powerful way to re-experience favorite moments and people.

Maybe it all boils down to this quote from the article:

Current research suggests that, unlike consumption of material goods, spending on leisure and services typically strengthens social bonds, which in turn helps amplify happiness.

We like to think that VoiceQuilt celebrates, enhances and strengthens relationships. And we couldn't be happier about this trend...

Music, the Ayatollah and VoiceQuilt

According an article in today’s Wall Street Journal, the Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has declared music “not compatible with the highest values of the sacred regime of the Islamic Republic”. The author of the article goes on to speculate that Iran’s regime is afraid of the way music triggers powerful emotions. It cites two recent studies:

One recent shows that depressed patients improve more dramatically when they listen to classical music than when they participate in psychotherapy;

Another shows that that men purchase more roses when florists pipe in romantic music.

In short, music provokes “a visceral, emotive response” that can’t be controlled by dictators. I find this fascinating: Music can be therapeutic AND manipulative.

A friend and avid music fan recently recommended a list of “You can do it!” songs for women undergoing chemotherapy. We'll be publishing that list on VoiceQuilt's web site next week. Why? Our hope is that VoiceQuilt gift givers will combine voice-based toasts and favorite memories with music. We think it's the best way to cheer someone on as they go through a difficult situation.

We're grateful to the Ayatollah and the Wall Street Journal for highlighting how powerful this kind of audio can be...